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Notorious Pirate Sighted in the Caribbean

World traveler, notorious pirate and Editor-in-Chief of The Devine Times, “Black Floyd”, was recently spotted in Florida and near the Caribbean islands of the Bahamas. There have been numerous sightings at beach-side bars along the Florida Treasure Coast and cookie raids as far inland as Orlando, and authorities are seeking information as to “Black Floyd’s” whereabouts. How and why the world traveling menace arrived in the Florida/Caribbean region is the subject of much debate. The last reports of The Devine Times’ wayward editor found him in the company of treasure hunters in the central plains area of Brazil. Apparently, “Black Floyd” and his crew abandoned their treasure search in Brazil, commandeered a transport plane headed for the U.S., stole a U-haul truck in Miami and drove to the Treasure Coast.

The Devine Times has dispatched staff writers and collection agents Tommy “Two Fingers” Turoni and Jimmy “Irish” O’Brian to Florida to investigate. “Mr. Devine gave us the slip, er, was taken from us in Brasilia,” Mr. Turoni remarked. “But we’ll ‘rescue’ him this time and return him home.” The Devine Times Editor-in-Chief has been missing for the past eleven years, but rumors have placed him in scattered areas around the globe. Chief Financial Officer, Marco Antonio DeMarco, confirmed that a large sum of money was removed from the corporate vault around the same time Mr. Devine vanished. The only clues to the theft were a receipt, signed by the Editor-in-Chief, for “research project funding” and security camera footage of Mr. Devine leaving the office with a “very large briefcase”.

According to law enforcement officials, marauders have been terrorizing Florida and the Caribbean for months now. Their strange raids have consisted mainly of robbing convenience stores of Rum and “Jack’s Links” meat sticks, and stealing raspberry white chocolate chip cookies from Disney World. It took months for anyone to discover the theft of the cookies because, “we thought the thieves were part of the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction.” There have been a number of alligators found in the region without their tails, but this appears to have nothing to do with the pirates.

Florida Authorities are investigating the sightings but have been one step behind “Black Floyd” for several months now. “We’ve arrived at several raid locations to find empty bottles of Rum and cookie crumbs.” reported an FBI spokesman. “We are closing in, however, and it is only a matter of time before we catch “Black Floyd” and bring him to justice.

Alligator Tails (not) Linked to Male Potency

Miami - Florida researchers refuted claims that alligator tails mixed in rum act to enhance male sexual potency. Officials warn that anyone injuring alligators in an attempt to remove their tails would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The report follows the discovery of several alligators with portions of their tails removed in the Florida Everglades. Police reports indicate that several men dressed as pirates and smelling heavily of rum may be involved.

The Devine Times founder and Editor-in-Chief, Floyd Devine, was last seen in Florida investigating rumors of modern day pirates stealing rum and processed meat products, and accosting large reptiles. He has yet to report on his findings and appears to have been abducted by the bandits.

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